The Day the Earth Stood Still

Okay. I haven't seen the original. Every review I've read seems to be comparing it to the oh-so-lifechanging 1950's TDTESS. I wasn't born then. I was barely alive during the Cold War. I can't relate an outdated film to a time that I never existed in, nor can I relate it to a much-hyped remake of today.

That being said, there's not much to say about this film. I mean, the role is perfect for Keanu - an emotionless humanoid. But I can pretty much sum up this movie in a quick paragraph so you don't have to spend the $10+ to see it for yourself. Spoilers be ahead.

Big spheres come to Earth. Jennifer Connelly is called in to help. Kathy Bates looks perplexed. Sphere in Central Park opens up, slimey guy comes out, turns out to be Keanu. Big lazer-eyed guy comes out, kicks ass if threatened with violence. Keanu gets taken in by the government. Kathy Bates won't let him go. Jennifer Connelly helps him escape. Takes him to see a fellow alien at McDonald's. Keanu decides humans aren't going to change their pollutin' ways, sends out the order to exterminate us to ensure the survival of the Earth. Jennifer Connelly takes Keanu to see John Cleese. Keanu is reformed by John Cleese. The extermination has already begun. Keanu sees Jennifer Connelly and her adopted son cry. Finally understands humans. Saves them and takes his own life to save the rest of the world.

Done. With a lot of explosions from a very cliche American army. And a lot of tiny bugs that disintegrate everything they touch.

What astounded me was that this film had the audacity to suggest that an advanced alien lifeform wouldn't be able to understand humanity until it meets an a) Brit, b) highly educated professor who c) listens to Bach. Suddenly it all makes sense. Humans really aren't all bad, most of them are just stupid. If everyone could be like John Cleese, the Earth could be saved.

And poor Kathy Bates. She tried hard with what she had. But even she couldn't salvage cliche after cliche that made this script. It looked as if she was worried anyone was going to notice that she was in this film.

I'm not usually this scathing. At least the film didn't leave me angry. It just left me wondering, why? Why would an alien life form care as to what was going on down on our little planet? Why would they take the trouble of coming all the way here to assess and destroy our species? And why is Keanu Reeves still getting hired?